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シェフ酒井の食にまつわる話



赤坂見附ビストロパラザのオーナーシェフ酒井一之による食にまつわるお話です。


« 食べ物 雑記 (mixiより転記) | メイン | 食べ物屋の不思議 (mixiより転記) »

食べ物 雑記 2 (mixiより転記)

      余り真剣に読まないで下さい。
      でも書いてある事は本当です。

呑気にB級グルメ、回転寿司が旨い.居酒屋の魚がお気に入り、スーパーの魚が安い、なんて言っていると何か大切な物を失う事になりはしないかと・・・・です。

日本は世界一魚好きな国民性に加え、戦後急激な経済成長をしたおかげでグルメ文化も急拡大。昔では考えられなかった程エビ、ヒラメ、鯛、マグロなどが好まれ、資源を根絶やしにする勢いで取りつくしてしまった結果、外国から輸入するだけでは飽き足らず生きた魚をついに工業生産品にまでしてしまった。

全く同じ模様をしたヒラメを見た事が無いでしょう。
有るんです。普通は個体差が有り、人でも魚でも少しずつ見目、形が異なるが双子や三つ子以上、体外受精する魚はクローンが無数、割合簡単に出来ます。
天然のクローンだから、丸のままでは天然物と同じ形でも切り身になってシャリの上にのっていれば解らない。焼いたらもっと解らない。養殖ヒラメはホルモン剤、染色体操作で全てメスになる。魚の雌は大きく,魚卵好きの日本人には大人気だが製造過程を表示せず、切り身で安く売られている魚や居酒屋で人気有る安い商品には要注意。 売っている人も知らない事実。
野菜だけではなく魚も遺伝子組み換え技術が発達して何処かの国では実用化のめどが立ち食卓に上る日も近い。
もう長い間「三倍体の牡蠣」が売られている.メス化して大きく育てる牡蠣以外,魚にもこの技術は応用され既に大手のレストランやや販売店で使用されている。大きくて見栄えがいいから客に受ける。
日本がこれらの技術大国である事は疑いも無い事実である。この他、ヒラメ、鯛、や様々な魚に化けた、なんちゃって魚の横行。
現在天然の鰻を食べられる人は限られて居る.と言うより生まれてこのかた養殖ものしか食べた事の無い人の方が圧倒的に多い時代。     魚が全て天然のものであった時代は終わった。
安心出来る物を!とヒステリックに叫ぶつもりは無いが,せめて安心出来る物を子供、孫に食べさせたい。 と思う昨今です。

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Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The truth is more important than the facts.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

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All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.